pitas
get
everything
wrong




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Friday, December 19, 2003


it's expected that i'm gone

i dreamed the strangest dreams last night. nothing i really remember, except the part where i kept going into a roommate's room (someone i really know, i think, but i forget who ... i think it was a woman) and peeing in a flower pot that sat in a small box on a small table by a large window. i recal struggling with the curtain so that the people outside (and there were people outside) wouldn't see me; i couldn't fix the curtain and gave up and kept peeing.

it was dark, stinky pee. i must have been purging some sort of toxins.

after the last time (i think it happened three times in the dream) i looked down and noticed that all the pee had run out of the hole in the bottom of the pot. i don't know why i thought it would stay there. it somehow ran out of the box and off of the table without wetting either. there was, however, a large wet spot soaking into what i remember as an unfinished hardwood floor. not really unfinished, but there was a spot where the finish had come off, and i noticed (for some reason to my relief) that it was soaking in right there. i felt a little concerned about the smell, although i don't remember that there was a smell any longer, but shrugged it off and left the room.

that is all i remember.

i must be purging from a strenuous week of drinking and sleep loss. there is a lot of emotional stuff that comes up when i start doing that on consecutive nights, and i can feel my personality subtly change as i go further into it. the final night, wednesday, i really wasn't good for anything; in fact i feel as though i was acting rather poorly towards a certain someone i should have been taking every opportunity to persue. by thursday it was all i could do to come home and crawl into bed, which meant i neglected to call a different woman who i also have every reason to persue.

today i just feel as though i don't/won't have any time to start a new relationship any time soon. i also feel as though i don't have the strength for a fling, whether it be a one-month winter snuggle buddy, a one-week romantic daliance, or an overnight friend. i'm emotionally frail, and friends are the best thing for me right now. unfortunately, i seem to be unable to stop flirting, even with the women i really want to be friends with... i don't mean to, i just start doing it without realizing it until it's too late.

so i purge in my dreams i guess. sigh. i've been in a crappy mood today. yesterday i was depressed. thank god for miss lucy; i was able to call her and have a good 15 minute talk. not a pep talk, just a "i'm depressed, please talk to me about anything" talk. and she did. i hope i don't have to go through what she and i have been through every time i want to make a new best (female) friend...

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Tuesday, November 11, 2003


holy shit!

now, that is what i call weather... !!!

[thanks, ZZZ]

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Monday, November 10, 2003


more good/bad

i guess it seems as though good/bad is pretty much all life has to offer. there are some really good things out there to take and accept into your life, but they are accompanied by their own special entourage of bad things. talking with a friend on a late-night drive to olympia on saturday, we discussed this to an extent. she voiced the opinion that no relationship can really last, or if it does it will always have bad times followed by good (or the other way around). i confessed that i think that i am doomed to failure in relationships and would like to either continue burning women for the rest of my life or take a quick short flight off of the 405 bridge so that i don't think about women any more... i think she brought me to my senses, but only time will tell.

in other good/bad news, chilligirl started talking to me again. right after she found out i still have feelings for her. this is good, but the conversation was prefaced with her statement, "i've moved on." so i'm confused about why she's been unwilling to talk to me, or why simply finding out that i still have feelings would make her want to communicate again. more reasons to want to take the flying lessons... really, why wouldn't she let me get close enough to tell her this earlier? i've wanted to for months, but her hostility and my perception that my presence was painful to her kept me from mentioning it (it took a drunken conversation with a mutual friend to bring it to light)... for that matter, why didn't she even try to get me back when she could have done so easily?

on the other hand, i'm not really in a place where i feel very dependent on any particular relationship. they are very demanding, and i don't have much to go around. i could desperately use the support and the company, but recent events have shown me that at least the company is easy enough to come by when i need it. and the support i guess comes from friends (now i just need more friends i can fall asleep holding ;)


still the stupid man: part of me continues to wonder, "what would e do if i procured her domain, set up a blog, and gave her the whole shebang for christmas?" it would be inexpensive and quite simple...

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Friday, October 24, 2003


shit

well, i seem to be completely off of chiligirl's radar for the time being, but unfortunately she's not off of mine yet. i wish she wasn't so angry; i still really want to talk to her.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Tuesday, October 7, 2003


a little improvement, then none...

feeling much better this morning; came in to work. now i feel like crap again. but only like crap, not like shit. that's a bonus, i guess. someone reminded me that viral meningitis is going 'round; that scared the poo right out of me (okay, not really). anyhow, i'm going home soon and in the morning i'm going to try to get an appointment with a doctor so i at least know what's going on.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Monday, October 6, 2003


sick as hell

i think i poisoned myself friday night. katakate and i stayed up until 3 in the morning smoking... a little bit of drinking, too, but not enough to poison me (4 beers across 4 or 5 hours? that's nothing compared to what i'm capable of!)... so i think i've been suffering the after-effects of nicotine poisoning for 3 days now. my stomach is in knots, i have acid reflux whenever i drink water, i'm occasionally mildly nauseous, and i've got an amazing case of the runs. yuck. i was hoping it was a flu, but i have no fever: last night at bedtime, i was at 98.7, this morning i woke up with 98.5... haven't checked since, though. oh did i mention the occasional headache? not a real headache, just enough to annoy me.

somehow i must get myself to the other house, pack up some stuff, and bring it back here, but i worry that i don't have the strength: another symptom has been extreme exhaustion. i think i'll take another nap now.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Friday, October 3, 2003


those assholes

i don't mean that personally, but hear me out. my employer is closing our local office due to circumstances entirely beyond anyone's control. the reason i'm upset is that they offered me a job at the location the work is moving to.

they offered me a job in new jersey. i could live in philly and commute. those assholes. don't they know that now i can't stop thinking about c? and that makes me incredibly cranky, depressed, and horney? ewww, like that could possibly be attracive to anyone. so i don't expect to get any assistance with that. worse still, if i did, it would suck b/c i'm very emotionally vunerable and would probably bond very deeply with that person.

it's been over 2 years since she moved to philly, and something like this comes up and i find that i still can't stop thinking of her. i don't think i can ever honestly and truthfully be in a relationship with anyone else again; they would always stand in the shadow of the girl who quietly and unintentionally made me drop my insides all over the floor every time she walked past me. i couldn't let go for e. i couldn't let go for d. i can't let go for me. i'm so pissed. those assholes.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Tuesday, September 30, 2003


importance of eating

so busy last night and in such a hurry this morning, i didn't eat from noon yesterday till noon today. the side effect is almost as not eating: since i started eating today, i have not been able to stop and it has mostly been junk food: chicken strips, mac and cheese, a salad (whew!) and now i'm on to a freezer burrito. i just can't seem to be satisfied, no matter how much i eat. suck.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Tuesday, September 30, 2003


nothin'

my finger has a cut in it. that's about all i'm feeling today. i think i'm a little emotionally constipated... too many things on my plate, and now that i'm out of my idle cycle, i'm suppressing some feelings so that i can deal with what is directly in front of me. so this week is all about faustfaust... nothing/no one else. that and making sure i go to sleep at night...

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Saturday, September 27, 2003


bliss is...

floating around portland in the caddillac with miss lucy at the wheel, blasting Birds / Quasi and singing at the top of our lungs. estate sales and thriftstores and craftshops and magic stores. hello kitty phone completed. now with bonito (senenita doesn't take cards) in hand i blog about it all

blog blog blog blop blop blog.

then fm calls and we discuss tech plans and whopee! we're going to have a swell show!

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Thursday, September 25, 2003


oh yeah, another thing...

the whole day started off with a happy birthday email from my good friend kgb in ny! yay for old friends.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Thursday, September 25, 2003


today keeps getting better!

my friend and coworker kathryn just did the nicest thing. she's rather tone deaf, but had the nerve to get on the warehouse pa and sing happy birthday to me. i blushed.

so far today is shaping up to be at least as good as last year, which is saying a lot. a really special person worked really hard to make last year's birthday a great day, and it ended up with flights and flights of wine courtesy of my birthday partner bryan.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Thursday, September 25, 2003


bappy hirthday mo te!

thank god for sweet kate. much less than a girlfriend and a little bit more than a friend, she is the first person in a long long time to create an entire birthday plan for me. and it's a surprise!

i told her yesterday, quite honestly, that i was too swamped to come up with any sort of plan for my own birthday. by 7.30 last night, there was a message with instructions for tonight on my voicemail.

even if this is no fun (and i'm sure it will be lots of fun, 'specially 'cause we'll be joined by (at least) elias and firiel) the fact that it is a total surprise and i didn't have to plan any of it is more than enough gift.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003


wow.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Friday, September 19, 2003


International Talk Like a Pirate Day

had to stop by the site. if i wasn't so broke, i would have bought me a pirate lunch box, matey! at least i got me swashbuckling pirate's profile done...


You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!


drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003


definitely fall

soooo tired i feel like my eyes are going to roll right out of my skull. can't believe this. i haven't been loosing that much sleep!

i wonder if my recipie offended dear sweet chiligirl. she hasn't said anything about it... y'know babe, every morning i look down into my bike helmet and see a little blue sticker that just breaks my heart...

i guess i haven't anything to say, really, just random ramblings to trickle out onto this html canvas. so perhaps i will stop now.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Sunday, September 14, 2003


something different...

this happened after i discovered a frozen chunk of vegetable stock that chiligirl and i made months and months ago. miss you babe. please call.

X570F's +0Fu & 5pin4ch

tofu:
1 block of tofu
seasonings (soy sauce and 2 tsp thai green chili paste works well)
oil for pan frying

spinach:
bunch spinach
1 c. vegetable stock
as much garlic as you like (i used 6 large cloves)
about 1 1/2 TBS mirin
about 6 (maybe more) dashes

step 1: slice the tofu into your favorite (small) shape and drizzle the soy and other seasonings over it. let it soak.

step 2: start some rice. this is a good way to time things out.

step 3: in a skillet or other wide, open cooking utensile, start reducing the broth over high heat. chop up the garlic and add it to the mix. you just need to reduce until there is just enough to coat the spinach while keeping the pan moist. (i took it down to about 1/4 in. in my 10 in. skillet)

as the liquid nears the desired amount, reduce the heat to medium. when the liquid is low enough, toss in the spinach along with the mirin and the sesame oil. keep tossing; the spinach will immediately begin to wilt. once the spinach is all wilty and well-coated with broth/mirin/sesame oil, transfer it to a warm bowl (we're 4 minutes from being done!)

step 4: heat the oil for pan frying. when it's hot enough to splatter, toss in the tofu, and turn it constantly until golden brown (should happen fast if you've got the oil hot enough).

step 5: the rice ought to be done by now. plop some in the bottom of a bowl, place a nest of warm wilty spinach on top, and top it with some hot crispy tofu. yum!

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Tuesday, September 2, 2003


stupid sap

all i want today is to snuggle up on Mt. Tabor with some soft, beautiful girl and fall asleep...

pfeh. in my dreams!

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Tuesday, August 5, 2003


still alive!

i'm doing much much better this week, thanks for asking. i think i'll find my way out of the darkness someday. at least i will if i can stop drinking and smoking before it kills me, anyway.

got an email from e today. the circumstances are fairly inconsequential to this forum; the important part is that it was just nice to hear anything from her. christ i've got to stop worrying about people, and stop hating myself, and stop hurting people because i'm worried and mired in self-loathing. shit that makes no sense. oh well.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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Friday, August 1, 2003


i feel paper thin

i'm about that far from loosing it. gloriously, totally, completely. i have no respect for myself, and very little for others. this seems to be a theme this year. i hope i make it through. this could very easily be my last year ever. i want to hang on, i can see better things in the future, but i've never felt this close to total breakdown before. it's pretty wrenching.

nearly impossible to get to work. nearly impossible to get up, for that matter. nearly impossible to plan ahead. nearly impossible to clean up after myself. no, wait... impossible to clean up after myself. i just wish i could fucking quit. enough, i loose. i don't give a shit.

drsaxe@REMOVETHISdrsaxe.com
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